A path to happiness

April and May this year have been a time of recognition for me, and two of the more exciting ones were total surprises, which adds to their positive impact. I was basking in the most recent of these – an academic award for Teaching Excellence from the college where I am an adjunct – and my thoughts turned to the spiritual aspects of feeling good.

I have written many times before on this blog about the general tendency of people to join spiritual organizations when they are in need of some sort of healing: physical, emotional/mental, or financial. I am always supportive of people who recognize that they are in need of some healing, and are willing to take a step in a direction toward achieving it. Additionally, I support organizations whose mission is dedicated to helping facilitate people’s healing. Where I get sideways in my support is when the goals of an organization seem to be more aligned with the acquisition of power and money than in fostering a true healing environment.

Examples of a disconnected or unbalanced healing mission would include promoting messages like consciousness as cause (e.g. your THOUGHTS are causing your issues); promoting that people can better fix things if they become a practitioner – or at least take a series of (pricey) classes, ranging in price from $150 to $295 for a single class.

As an educator, I support lifelong education activities, however; no one needs to spend thousands or even hundreds of dollars to learn these basics. If people WANT to, and have the money to afford it, they can certainly add to their knowledge base by attending any of these classes. They should understand, though, that the concepts are basic, simple and easy to summarize in a blog post. There is really no need to stretch things out into class after class after class,… which has always made me suspicious about the TRUE goal of those classes, which I suspect is less about healing others and more about the bottom line, which is what I observed and have been alleging for a few years now, but I digress…

Let me get back to the point of this post.

As I sat in the Honors Convocation last week, watching students graduate – many of whom I have had in classes over the past couple years – I began to reflect on the impact my simple award for Teaching Excellence has had on my overall frame of mind, and in the LARGER context of how that applies to healing as taught and promoted in organized spiritual metaphysics.

There are no special “treatments” that can make us feel better about our lives, ourselves or where we are in life. We cannot pay for enough practitioner sessions to achieve this, or hear enough “Sunday talks” to get it. What we need to do is understand that this is a lifelong journey AND it requires our input. In other words, it is not going to fly in the window as we sit in the lotus position in our meditation corner OR show up magically as soon as our Zelle or Venmo payment hits the minister’s or practitioner’s bank account.

These positive reinforcements come to us AFTER we have invested of ourselves into activities that serve the larger good. We give, we work, we volunteer, we share, we work some more,… and NOT with a goal of recognition. We do these things REGARDLESS of the recognition. This is, I believe, what makes the awards and recognition that can come, even sweeter!

If you’ve found this blog site due to feeling a little down and wondering if spiritual teachings can help, here’s some free advice: get up and out of your own head and usual activities, and find a way to participate in something that serves the larger/greater good. This can be a volunteer option OR a paid gig. I get PAID to teach as an adjunct where I was recognized for excellence in teaching, and VOLUNTEER for the organization that is giving me another (different) award. Sitting in my home and waiting for a “shortcut to a miracle“, listening to Sunday talks, paying a practitioner to do “treatments” for me or paying thousands of dollars to become a “practitioner” would not achieve either of these awards that have had a deeply positive impact on me. It took more direct work and action on my part to achieve these things, and this is an important piece of this: the actions had as a goal, serving others – not achieving recognition.

• yes I am paid to teach as an adjunct but no one goes into education with a goal of making money (& if they do, they quickly learn and move on).

I have regularly called out the movie “The Secret” on this blog, but today I want to highlight a small portion of that movie that really got it right. This is the vignette by Gay Hendricks, PhD where he shares a scenario with a deeply depressed patient who had called him. He asks the patient if there is ANYTHING he can do for someone else – some small thing.

The patient hems and haws and can’t think of anything, but Hendricks persists. Finally, the man says that his neighbor is elderly, and there are leaves and other debris on her front porch that he could sweep off.

Hendricks encourages him to go do that, and waits on the phone.

When the man comes back after clearing off his neighbor’s front porch, Hendricks reports that he is a different person. That one, small act of giving to another turned around his deeply depressive state in that moment.

Now, that was plucked out of his experience for a movie sound bite, and yes – anyone suffering with depression and/or anxiety can tell you that he was not at that moment “cured“. Still, in that moment he learned that there is something available to him – to all of us – that can make a big difference in our overall state of mind and sense of being: doing for others.

No one needs a minister to lead or even approve of doing something for another person; no one needs to tithe to an organization or pay for an expensive class to practice being a decent human being. It is, as described by Hendricks in The Secret, as simple as looking around OUTSIDE OF OURSELVES, and seeing where some small offering of help by us can make someone else’s burden lighter.

In a peer-reviewed journal article that I wrote (published in January 2021 in the AHIMA Journal), and in seminars that I give across the country, I often mention the research on kindness that I have found and read. To summarize those, I’ll share a few tidbits from my research on the topic:

• A British study that examined random acts of kindness showed that participants in the group who engaged in 1 unique (different each day) act of kindness for others during the study period experienced a significant increase in their reported happiness.
• Research study done by Harvard and the University of British Columbia that investigated memories around spending MONEY found that people felt HAPPIER when they recalled spending money on others, and not themselves.
• Researchers at Cedars-Sinai share that “Acts of kindness can release hormones that contribute to our mood and overall well-being“.
• Case Western Reserve University research has documented that when we give of ourselves, everything from life satisfaction to self-realization to physical health is significantly improved. Mortality (death) is delayed, depression is reduced and well-being and good-fortune are increased.

In other words, as this slide from one of my presentations summarizes, we feel better when we are kind to others.

It’s really that simple.

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IMPORTANT NOTE: I am NOT suggesting that these things can replace therapy or medication for depression or related mental health challenges. Decisions on treatment in these cases are to be made between patients and their physician and/or therapist.

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My recommendations are intended for those NOT under a doctor’s care, who are feeling “meh” and looking around for some answers or assistance. In these circumstances, it is not uncommon for people to stumble upon a spiritual website or find a group that promises they can, for a price, help you “create your best life!“

Participating in groups that share a common world view is not inherently a bad thing, so as I often post here: if you’re a member of an organized spiritual metaphysics group, and are enjoying the social aspects, are not being pressured to spend a lot of money on tithing, classes or fake credentials – keep participating! Just know that they don’t possess any secret or special knowledge, and you can find a more balanced approach to life with – or without – them.

Lastly it’s important to understand that these moments of recognition and the occasional accolades are just that: occasional moments. They are not meant to be constant. If they become the norm, they will lose their power to heal.

Our job, BEYOND giving of ourselves, is to recognize this reality, and accept these brief moments of praise and admiration when they come, and be ready for that to fade away as we return to everyday life.

Peace and an increased sense of ease can come when we accept a few basic tenets:

• life is filled with UPS and DOWNS
• life is not fair, and often appears to be grossly unfair to some and overly generous to others
• there are no magical shortcuts to feeling better (or to money/ wealth)
• we are all driving our own vehicles (responsible for ourselves) along this path of life

If you’re looking for a way to feel better; to boost your sense of worth or self-esteem; to give you a more optimistic outlook on life – you have the POWER to make it so. Simply look around and see where you can show up as you are, and give a little of yourself in the service of others.

You’ll be surprised at what you find.

Wishing you the very best on your continued journey!

(C) 2024 Practitioner's Path

Legacies

I recently attended a viewing for a business associate’s family member. Not wanting to run in, look at the body and run out, I spent some time looking at the posters of photos from the deceased person’s life. It ended up having a profound impact on me.

The deceased person was a bit of a “force to be reckoned with”. They were generally thought of as mean and tough; able to hold onto a grudge for decades and with a “PhD in spite”. For many years they played hardball with anyone that didn’t do things THEIR way, and in the photos, you can see their smug satisfaction at their place in the world – at least the place they perceived themselves to be in.

Funny thing, though: when they passed, their “power” to exact revenge or make people bend to their will, evaporated. The “poof” that signified the end of their reign of terror was almost palpable in that room.

As I watch my (elderly) parents wrestle with their own mortality, and my sister and I discuss our unbelief in how quickly so many decades have passed by, I am looking at my own life with the remembrance of the person described above.

At the end of our travels on this planet, there are things that remain – things we leave behind – and things that will go “poof” when we exit.

Here’s a short (& incomplete) list of some of the things that go “poof” when we pass on:

• Job title and any “credentials” we may have held
• Social standing
• Ability to exert power over others to get our way
• Ability to incite fear in others who may disagree (or refuse to cooperate) with us
• People caring about our opinions
• People being jealous of how pretty/handsome we are, where we live, or how much money we have
• People being impressed with us and/or the position we hold in an organization

There’s more, but I’ve made my point. Now let’s look at what remains once we pass on:

• The way people feel about us, based on how we treated them over the years
• Any good and decent acts we did or participated in that have continued on through others
• A few memories of us, mostly in the people closest to us (usually family members).
  • Think about how often you think of someone who has passed that ISN’T a member of your family,…

What I’m trying to illustrate here is that a lot of folks spend decades engaging in activities that they think are important, only to find that they are not. I’ve observed people over the years who have invested a LOT of energy into maintaining control (or what they perceive to be control) over others, or to ensure that others see and revere who they have worked so hard to become, and it struck me at that funeral viewing/calling hours, how absolutely useless all that expenditure of energy is at the end.

Since I’ve spent a lot of time on this blog calling out bad behavior in New Thought leaders and ministers, I will add some specifics as I see them for that group. If you’re leading an organization or group, what will the take-away memories be of your time there?

Do you remind people of their place in the pecking order, always inferior to you, or work to provide an environment where people feel equally valid and accepted as you promote that “world that works for everyone“?

Do you give more status, face time, or power to people who line up and drink the Kool-Aid (after paying a lot for it), or do you strive to be inclusive with your time and attention?

If the regulars in the organization and/or congregation were asked to name 1 thing that was your priority, based on what you talk about most, what would that be?

• Money (never enough)?
• Attendance (lacking)?
• Pushing classes as the answer to every spiritual question
  • at $200-plus per class, it’s an answer to a question – just not sure it’s a SPIRITUAL one
• The exultation of “credentials” over everything else
• Your habit of schooling people on how they are “wrong” and can’t do it right?
  • “it” = the practice of spiritual metaphysics, but they can LEARN HOW,… for a price
• (Other)

If those memories create discomfort, here’s an idea: as people who attempt to extract money from others so to teach them how to create a world that works for them (and others), it might be time to pivot toward messages and actions that actually serve that purpose.

Here’s a short list of activities that may help change a flawed trajectory:

• Monthly service project that serves the community
  • diaper banks collections/distribution
  • volunteering at local food bank distribution points
  • serving food at a local soup kitchen
  • visiting isolated elders – without an agenda (no money asks!)
• Regular and consistent tithing of the money you RECEIVE back to the community
  • to be fair, I am starting to see this in a few corners, and that’s a good thing
• Pivot away from crying about MONEY (from the pulpit and in email solicitations) and turn fully toward the teachings you want people to pay to learn about:
  • “Trust and KNOW that you are provided“.

In addition to the general decline in church/religious affiliation that is sweeping the culture, I believe that a significant proportion of the membership drain from spiritual metaphysics to be due to the wholesale inability of leaders to take the principles they are teaching (and getting MONEY to teach) and apply them in their own lives or organizations.

At some point, even the biggest Kool-Aid drinker is going to pause on a Sunday morning when the minister is admonishing people to “give more!” so that doomsday will not come to their Center. They will recall how, in a recent class, they (or a classmate) were told that the only reason their Treatments weren’t working is that their consciousness isn’t in the right place, OR how the principles ALWAYS work, we just have to believe and keep “treating” (can also be costly as ministers and practitioners charge for their “treatment” time).

This sure sounds like there are rules for thee and (different!) rules for me. If that’s what you want ME to do,… and you can’t do it, but your “answer” is that I give you more of my time and more of my money,… that’s a hard pass.

In life generally, it’s often hard to see the forest for the trees. This exercise (thinking about how the people you interact with regularly would describe your leadership or tenure in the organization) can be helpful in reframing your approach. It may also pivot your ministry into something that begins to help create that world that works for,… more people than the ones collecting class fees or tithes and offerings.

Whether we know it, or like it – we’re writing the lines and verse of our legacies, every day.

How will you, wearing that robe and stole as you swoosh about the country, be remembered by others?

Someone who harped about never having enough money, or someone who worried more about people who have less and working to be some good in their lives?

Someone whose message was “Do as I SAY, not as I do!“, making it clear that the expectations of others did not apply to you?

Someone who promoted the company line, even in the face of new evidence that questions many of those foundations, because that’s where you derive your power, or someone who is comfortable enough in your own skin to accept that things change, founders’ histories are often cherry-picked and real growth and change comes from being able to critically think for yourself?

The choice is always ours to make.

Choose wisely. It’s a short walk on this planet.

(C) 2024 Practitioner's Path

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A couple things I will remember from my time in spiritual metaphysics:

• Anniversary memories
• Tithe as Manipulation
• Logic and Ethics

The kindest place on earth

Walt Disney World’s Epcot

I just returned from a family week at the Walt Disney World (WDW) resort in Orlando, Florida. It was my third trip to a Disney property, and 2nd one to this specific WDW property. I have to admit, however; this trip was enlightening in ways the other two were not.

Some of that is likely due to age. Other factors include my status in the family (grandma accompanying son and his family) which meant less overall responsibility, and wisdom – which I feel is separate from age (it doesn’t automatically confer with years-lived, sadly).

To be truthful, I was not that excited to go to Disney; I went to be with my youngest grand-baby as she experienced Disney for the first time. I fully expected to be delighted with her awe and excitement, but totally “over” the Disney experience myself.

Was I ever wrong!

Yes, my little peanut had a MAGICAL time that included princess breakfasts, photos with beloved characters, and seeing many familiar sights.

What made my time magical was my fuller realization of, and appreciation for, the Disney family and corporation, and their vision for their organization.

Disney is famous for its customer service and we experienced it at every turn. This did not surprise me.

I was, however, quite impressed with the extreme attention to detail that is apparent in every single corner of the Disney properties. Whether the footprints of horseshoes outside one of their castles, the imprints of Star Wars-specific animals in Tatooine, every corner of the Haunted Mansion ride, or even the buses leaving Disney Springs to refuel with signs that said “Refilling Pixie Dust” – no small aspect has been overlooked or left out.

They’ve invested in technology (e.g. virtual reality) that makes a simple amusement park ride transform into an experience of a lifetime. Examples include, but are not limited to Soarin’, Star Tours, The Rise of the Resistance and the ride that simulates piloting the Millennium Falcon. This grandma, who stood in line in 1977 when A New Hope premiered and was not thrilled when George Lucas sold his franchise to Disney, became a Disney fan after the first ride.

It’s also clear that Walt Disney’s heirs are concerned and dedicated progressives who care about the planet, and people. WDW doesn’t just talk about issues, their commitment to sustainability is out in the open and promoted. No plastic straws (all are biodegradable), lids are discouraged (not handed out regularly), and recycling and reuse are easy to participate in around the properties.

Diversity, equity and inclusion are so very obviously not just talking points that it will be hard for me to not notice the absence of this level of care outside of the confines of WDW. Cast members, as all employees are called, come in every size, shape, color, and ability. People of varying abilities are not only welcomed and easily able to fully participate in the Disney experience, but they see themselves represented all across the enterprise.

As we sat in “Norway” at Epcot for a princess breakfast, I realized that diversity and gender equity were being taught and lifted up as an ideal to generations of kids in the stories of these characters. Snow White, Ariel and Belle are certainly still around, but they’re joined by Tiana, Mulan, Pocahontas, Moana and more.

In the Moana water exhibit, kids were able to connect with their favorite characters from the movie, but they (and their families) are also taught about the importance of water and the connection of all beings and elements on our planet. This theme of ecology and conservation is repeated throughout and gently communicated through the stories of their beloved characters.

To be certain, a trip to Disney is expensive. This time, we stayed on property at the Polynesian Resort, and I’m straight up “ruined”. I’ll never stay off property again. The experience of being in one of the on-site Disney resort properties adds another level of excellence to the entire experience.

There’s more, but I’ll save those observations for another day.

While I’m still in no danger of wearing Mickey Mouse ears around town, or becoming a fanatic that plans every vacation around WDW activities, I will be sharing my enthusiasm for Walt Disney’s original vision and their on-going commitment to excellence with anyone who asks about our trip! “Doing it like Disney” has a whole new context and meaning for me.

Thanks Mickey, Minnie, and the entire Walt Disney family! Your dream for the world is truly a gift for the ages.

(C) 2024 Practitioner’s Path

Revisiting Mrs. Shinn

I had occasion recently to reconnect with the writings – and wisdom – of Florence Scovel Shinn. While re-reading her seminal work, The Game of Life and How to Play It, I was reminded of her simple, but effective application of spiritual principles.

Before I go any further, I want to clarify that after stepping away from ORGANIZED spiritual metaphysics, I began to evaluate what, in my years of travel in the movement, may be worth keeping as I continued to move on into to my post-organized spiritual metaphysics life.

Florence Scovel Shinn’s works are at the top of my list for keeping, even as I double down on my critique of the organizations that promote themselves as the “keepers” of these teachings. One of the best aspects of her writings is that she writes from her own perspective, unapologetically. She represents no minister or sect; and refrains from pushing any one denomination as “the One”.

In addition, her works remain accessible to all – in the public domain (e.g. free), with no need for anyone to take a $250 “class” to learn about her writings.

In reconnecting with her works, and listening to the audiobook (available for free on Librivox), I remembered how, about 10 years ago, I was seeking a resolution in my finances around my student loan debt.

At the time, I had close to $100,000 in student loan debt and a monthly payment of close to $550. It had a significant impact on my finances, and while I was able to manage the payments, I was interested in testing the principles because that burden being lifted would have had a major positive impact on my life. And,… if they DIDN’T work, I would be no worse off. On the other hand, if they DID end up working, that would be very cool.

What followed were a number of events, local and national, that ended up assisting me in achieving my goal.

First option that came my way was a hiring bonus of $25,000. I sent that immediately to my student loan balance and it was a nice kickstart to my journey.

A couple years later, I was introduced to a retention program that would allow for $10,000 a year to be paid to my student loan. While this was a welcome intervention, I realized that once it expired (e.g. I used up all the available retention bonus available to me), that I would still have a remaining balance of more than $30,000.

Following my learned impulse by then to know that “all is well”, I remained open to opportunities, and tried not to worry that the leftover balance would line up with my anticipated start of retirement. What came next may appear to be less-than-miraculous, but it proved to be a generous blessing for me as well as many others.

Initially, talk at the national level of a student loan forgiveness plan appeared that it would not apply to me or my loans. I had consolidated years before and it was not clear to me that I would qualify based on the income, previous consolidation or other parameters first implemented. Who could have predicted that the COVID pandemic would have impacted the student loan forgiveness program? Certainly not me. I was looking for a large bird to swoop down from the mountain and drop a parachute with a money parcel into my backyard.

OK – I’m joking about that, but I certainly wouldn’t have predicted that a virus would have been the answer.

Due to the incompetence of the previous administration in handling/responding to the pandemic, the new administration took office with a mandate to implement multiple programs to help rescue the economy as we were finally beginning to benefit from the advances in vaccine technology that would tame the spread of the virus. The interest at the federal level of using student loan forgiveness as a vehicle of stimulus spending ended up being the answer to my remaining student loan balance.

My debt was forgiven in late 2022 and by early 2023 I had paperwork citing that my balance was $0.00

Some will say that all of those things are normal occurrences in business, and that would be true. Others will point out that many people – aware of or ignorant to Florence Scovel Shinn’s writings – benefited from the student loan forgiveness program. That is also true. But the parameters of the loan forgiveness program initially would have precluded me from benefitting; thankfully, in the end my entire remaining balance was zeroed out.

I have come to believe that the spiritual principles that seem to “make things happen” for us are LESS about the Universe bending to our needs/wants, and much more about nudging us in a certain direction or revealing something to us that could be helpful.

Still, we have to take action. I had more than a little trepidation in moving my loan balance from the consolidation company back to the Department of Education, as it could have resulted in my monthly payments being significantly higher had I not qualified for the loan forgiveness. Several years prior to that, I left a very lucrative position in a for-profit company and took a pay cut to get into a federal government job. Had I remained in that higher paying, but fewer benefits job; I would not have qualified for the loan forgiveness. I took a number of steps in faith that the still, small voice that was nudging me in one direction or another was working on my behalf. Those steps of faith, in combination with some really lucky breaks, came together to be that answer to my request for help, all those years ago.

The thing that is important to remember here is that I was not transported into easy street, nor dropped into a glamorous life. I simply had some “divine assistance” in an area of my life that was a heavy burden, and for that I am extremely grateful.

I do not believe that we need a “religion” or organized hierarchy to learn these principles. I would also argue that the problematic behaviors of people in small groups when they get some power over others is reason enough to eschew participation in organized spirituality or religion. Still, there are some quiet lessons in wisdom to be found in the unassuming, low cost and non-sexy corners of spirituality.

If you’re looking for some answers, listen to your own inner voice, trust your instincts, and check out the wisdom of a woman who lived 100 years ago, and seemed to “get it” in ways that don’t require membership in a church, tithing to a minister or center or having to choose between your own intellectual integrity and belonging to a group.

Wishing answers, enlightenment and peace to all who find themselves seeking.

(C) 2024 Practitioner’s Path

Creativity expressing

In spiritual corners, the word “expressing” is used,… a lot. It usually refers to someone being who they are; in other words, expressing their Divine nature, or their uniqueness in the world. In general, I think it’s good to recognize who we are, as humans, and how we show up in life. I was thinking about my own expressions of self, and how I show up in the world. Lately, it’s been with a lot of yarn, so I thought I’d share some of that creative expression that I post on my other site, here.

I hope you enjoy it!

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I recently had a need for a water bottle holder, and thought I’d try my hand at making one out of yarn. The project ended up serving a couple purposes, including using up some yarn in my stash (always a good thing!).

Crocheted water bottle holder

Although I free-handed this pattern, I recognize that I did not come up with it out of thin air: I have absolutely been influenced by others’ patterns over the years. Which ones, I cannot say as there have been multiple patterns, but I feel it’s important to acknowledge the impact of the creativity of other fiber artists.

I made the above pictured water-bottle holder with 1 skein of Sugar ‘n Cream yarn in the color “Swimming Pool” (isn’t that a GREAT color for a Summer accessory!?) and I made the strap long enough to be a cross-body style, which is essential for Summer outdoor activities.

Here’s the pattern: (( updated after some feedback! ))

Supplies

• Crochet hook G or H (I used H)
• 1 skein of Sugar ‘n Cream yarn (100 – 145 yds)
• Scissors
• Large-eye needle

Stitches

• Single crochet (SC)
• Double crochet (DC)
• Chain (Ch)
• Slip Stitch (Sl St)
• Pattern is worked in continuous rounds without joining except where specifically noted.

Body

Make a magic ring

Round 1: Ch 1 and make 6 SC in the ring (tighten the ring) -6 SC

Round 2: Increase by crocheting 2 SC in each stitch around – 12 SC

Round 3: (SC in 1st stitch, 2SC in 2nd stitch); continue this pattern around – 18 SC

Round 4: (SC in 1st 2 stitches. 2 SC in 3rd stitch); continue this pattern around – 24 SC

Round 5: (SC in 1st 3 stitches. 2 SC in 4th stitch); continue this pattern around – 30 SC

NOTE: my sample was for a wider diameter Corkcicle canteen bottle. For a traditional plastic water bottle, you may want to stop at 30 SC, then proceed, starting with Round 7 (below).

Round 6: (SC in 1st 4 stitches. 2 SC in 5th stitch); continue this pattern around – 36 SC

Join round with a slip stitch and (beginning of Round 7)

Round 7: Ch 3, DC in next stitch (st), Ch 1, SKIP next stitch, * DC in next 2 sts, Ch 1, Skip 1 st repeat between * around ending with a Sl St into top of beginning Ch 3.

Round 8: Sl st across to Ch 1 space (2 Sl Sts) and then Ch 3from the chain space. DC in top of next St, Ch 1. Continue around by repeating this sequence around:

• DC in Ch 1 space (from previous row), DC in next stitch, Ch 1
• Sl st into top of Ch 3 from the beginning of the round.

Rounds 9 – ?: Repeat Round 8 until your bottle holder is the height you want.

I made mine for my Corkcicle canteen so it’s larger than it would be for most plastic water bottles, which come in short, medium and even really tall sizes.

NOTE: the Sl St at the beginning of each round creates the leaning/slant patten of the stitches as the rows are made. It also makes for a neater transition for each round.

Once you’ve crocheted enough rows to fit your water bottle, join your last round and Chain 1.

Strap

Turn and SC into the same stitch, and then SC in 4 more stitches (5 SC); Ch 1 and turn.

NOTE: if you’re making a smaller diameter holder, you may want to crochet a 4-SC strap. Follow instructions as written but with 4 SC instead of 5.

SC across (5 SC), ending with a Ch 1 and turn. Continue this patten until your strap is the length you desire.

I made my strap long enough to function as a cross-body holder for long days in amusement parks, picnics, biking and hiking.

Once your strap is at your preferred length, line up the working end directly across the top of the holder, and crochet the end of the strap into the other side of the bottle holder top row.

Fasten off, leaving about a 12″ yarn tail.

You will want to secure this connection with a few stitches using the darning needle. I also chose to add a large button, as it helps secure the end of the strap to the body of the bottle holder.

Voila! You’re ready for Summer activities and easy access hydration!

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If you’re wondering how YOU express in the world, pay attention to the activities in your life that give you JOY. Then do more of that. You’ll be developing into a more full expression of wonderful, unique YOU!

(C) Practitioner’s Path / Stitch ‘n Dish

Heart-centered gifts

(( originally blogged on my other site ))

I decided to make a family member, who loves flamingoes, a poolside bag as part of her birthday gift ensemble this year.

Canvas tote bag

I used cotton canvas from Joann’s and lined it with Novelty Cotton fabric (also from Joann’s). The pattern is Simplicity 9308 and it went together quickly (it’s not the first one I’ve made with this pattern, but it’s also a simple and straightforward pattern).

I decided to use colorful webbed belting for the straps instead of the pattern-provided ones made from fabric and think that it makes a nice option for the finished product.

It can be difficult to find a meaningful gift to buy for someone, and yet, going all-handmade can also be challenging. I have navigated these 2 ends of the spectrum by combining both kinds of gifts, when feasible, and have found that it’s a well-received approach.

Our carefully designed and constructed gifts communicate more than just a birthday wish; they tell the story of a gift that took planning ahead, thoughtful consideration of the recipient, and time. As a teenager, I know that I indeed was underappreciative of the handmade gifts that came from family members. As I got older, I began to recognize their true worth.

I noted in an earlier blog post that these gifts often remain and represent a tangible reminder of someone’s love for us. When we give gifts from OUR hands, they help to communicate messages of how much we care for the people who receive them.

Handmade gifts whisper “I care about you!“, “You’re special!“, “You are loved“, and more. I can’t think of a more long-lasting or meaningful gift than these messages, carried over time by the work of our hands.

I smile when I think of my plans to knit or crochet my older grandchildren a blanket when they graduate from High School.. I am aware that this gift will not make the “Top 10” list of their favorite gifts (teenagers, after all), but I ALSO know what that hand-stitched blanket will mean to them many years later.

This post would be incomplete if I did not also address people who are not appreciative of our hand-crafted gifts. When we give someone a gift we made and they seem dismissive or even annoyed, it can be painful. My recommendation is that we give them grace, even while we protect our own self-esteem by reminding ourselves that THEY may have some things to learn. Still, we should also make a mental note: those folks aren’t ready – and may never be – to receive a pearl of great price, which is what a hand-created and constructed gift represents. 

Over the years, I have learned that those sometimes awkward gifting situations end up serving as a “teacher” for the person who – perhaps ungraciously – received a handmade gift. We may never know how much that gift ends up impacting the recipient, and that’s OK. 

The world needs MORE giving from the heart, not less. We don’t know when our gifts of love will step up to teach an important lesson, provide comfort in the form of a happy memory, or communicate a much-needed message of love, comfort and grace.

In this season of symbols, here’s to unsuspecting gifts that are really messages of our love, in physical form.

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(C) 2024 Practitioners Path/Stitch ‘n Dish

Navigating change

(( originally posted on my other site, The Foundation Chain ))

Yarn from “The Quarter Stitch” in the French Quarter (NOLA, USA)

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The past year has marked a significant SHIFT in my life. It wasn’t the birth or death of anyone close, but it was the end of an era, so to speak.

Last year in June, my oldest grandchild got his driver’s license, and suddenly, I was freed from being on call as my daughter’s backup for rides to music lessons, band rehearsals, school events and more.

In one way, it was freeing, as I was now able to schedule things during the week and on weekends without wondering if the Grammy Taxi would be needed. I had been in Mom/Grandma mode non-stop for more than 30 years, as he was born the same month that my youngest child (son) graduated from high school. Suffice it to say that the concept of not having these responsibilities on a regular basis was both exciting and sobering.

The sobering aspect was that this change represented a significant pivot in my interactions with my grandchildren. Over the years, the rides and drop offs afforded me hours upon hours (cumulatively) of time with them. As the oldest of my daughter’s children, my grandson became involved in school and community things first, so I ended up shuttling him to things for more years than the others. In those rides, we talked about life: his dreams, his plans, his struggles, and more. I looked forward to those times and enjoyed knowing who he was becoming as a young adult.

Those regular interactions also meant that he often reached out to me for help with school work when Mom was busy, for my opinion on things he was interested in, to tattle tale on his sister, or to share something NEW that came up and was exciting for him. I knew that I was blessed to have a close relationship with my grandchildren, and in my logical brain, I also knew it was time for him, as the oldest, to move on into the more independent phase of his young adult life.

That didn’t mean it was easy. It was akin to experiencing the “empty nest” when my own children left home, all over again, and it was hard. Still, I knew it was a normal life change, and one that was important for his growth and development as a young adult.

Understanding that my role as a mother/grandmother is to help nurture children to become independent, healthy and strong young adults who can then move on to their own adult versions of themselves, I embraced this transition; but I also realized that I needed to pay attention to my own feelings of loss and change. Thankfully, I had a LOT of fiber projects in the queue that would be helpful to me as I walked this NEW way of being week to week.

The solace that comes when we are crocheting, knitting or sewing helps us navigate difficult change. Its meditation-like rhythms are soothing to our minds, and the interaction with soft yarns or fabric in pleasing colors helps to boost supportive neurochemicals in our brains. According to research into the impact of color, “…[a c]omplete absence of color has been shown to detrimentally affect psychological and physiological function in humans.” (link)

Research shared on Psychology Today’s website notes that “Color is an important stimulus for the brain because 80 percent of our sensory impressions come from our visual system.”

“Colors can do more than we think. They can affect not only your mood but also your energy level, sleep pattern, blood pressure, and even sexuality.”

Elliot, A. J, 2015; Elliot, A. J., and Niesta, D. 2008

Similar to our response to color, our brains react to textures (link). Research has shown that when we touch various surface types, we experience differing emotions. It was found that “…soft surfaces are generally associated with pleasant emotions, while rough surfaces – with unpleasant feelings.” This isn’t absolute, but for the purpose of this blog post, I believe we can agree that SOFT yarn is preferable to SCRATCHY yarn. If anyone wants backup on that, head on over to Facebook or Instagram as there are ample posts on this yarn or that one being “scratchy” which always correlates (in those posts) with “bad“.

As I pulled together my outline for this blog post, I began to recall different times when creative activities helped me navigate rough patches in life. This contemplation helped me to realize that my grandmother, a prolific crocheter who taught me to crochet a chain when I was 10 years old, was likely ALSO finding great solace in yarn and hook.

She did not teach me to crochet and then tell me that life was going to kick my butt and that I would need this therapeutic option. She didn’t ever complain, or acknowledge that she crocheted to help manage life’s many detours. In her wisdom, though, she quietly and stoically modeled how to stay grounded when life hands you challenges, including her own cancer journey and the early death of her husband (my grandfather).

Creativity can be challenging in difficult times. I have found that it’s helpful to have a “First Aid” plan at the ready. Here’s a short list of steps/actions we can take when we need some comfort, and have crocheting, knitting or sewing skills.

Fiber First Aid

1. Organize any projects-in-progress
   1. Identify one to pick back up and work to completion.
2. Clean out, organize and freshen the yarn or fabric stash.
   1. Decide to donate some yarn or fabric before buying new
   2. Reap the benefits of “discovering” fabric or yarn we haven’t seen in a while
3. Find a NEW project that is a small undertaking
   1. Pinterest has a lot of ideas, as does the internet (Google)
   2. “Shop” in our stash to make the first version of the new pattern
   3. Keep the finished object in a prominent place
      1. it helps remind us of our strength and resilience
4. Learn a new technique
5. Make something small to gift to someone, “just because“.
   1. I have found that surprise small gifts – given for no particular reason – are the most joyously received gifts of all!
6. Make something for ourselves!
7. Find a local (or online) crochet/knitting/sewing group to join
   1. Commit to participating on a regular basis.
8. Visit the local library and check out books on our fiber craft of choice.
   1. This is one of the BEST ways to freshen our thinking about fiber arts and it costs nothing but our time!
9. Chart a personal journey of discovery
   1. Get a crochet or knitting page-a-day calendar and make a swatch for each stitch presented.
   2. Most of us won’t get 365 of them done, but this is more about the journey than the destination.

I am forever grateful to have skills in crocheting, knitting and sewing. It is not only a thread that connects me to my family, past and present (my sister sews – much better than I do!), it is therapeutic in ways that are increasingly being acknowledged in the medical and psychology corners of healthcare.

And,… as far as I can tell, the only DOWNSIDES are the tendency for our stashes to grow unchecked, and the temptation to crochet/knit/sew when we might need to vacuum, fold laundry or do the dishes.

(guilty as charged,… and unrepentant)

That which we do in the creative corners of our lives is sacred work. Taking care of ourselves is job one, especially as we get older. No one is coming by to say “You seem sad – how can I make if all better?” We’re basically on our own to address the ups and downs in life. The good news, however, is that we have SKILLS, and OPTIONS, and a lot of company in finding solace through our craft.

Change is indeed inevitable. It’s also important for growth and to avoid stagnation, but this doesn’t mean it’s easy. Thankfully, there’s an abundant supply of YARN and FABRIC to help us make it through.

(C) 2024 Practitioner’s Path / Stitch ‘n Dish

The 8 Manifestations of Parental Alienation (child’s behavior)

Children of divorce often have a slight preference for one household over another. This is often due to a dichotomy in custody where there is a “primary” parent that deals with the full range of life circumstances – happy, sad, joy, misery, work and play; and a “fun” parent whose time with the child(ren) is primarily visitation and can be targeted to excursions and good times. Children that complain about doing chores and pointing out that “(the other parent) never makes me do any work” are not alienated (based on this behavior alone).

Who wouldn’t prefer a life of fun, ice cream and no distasteful “chores“?

Research has demonstrated that children who are alienated will display a very specific set of symptoms, known as the 8 Manifestations of Parental Alienation.

Those 8 manifestations are as follows (from the article linked above):

1. The Campaign of Denigration: alienated children express deep hatred of the rejected to the point that they deny, and may not even be able to recall, any positive interactions or times with that parent. They aggressively resist contact and communication with the rejected parent and in the most severe cases, refuse to eat food or sleep on the sheets of the parent when on court-ordered visitation. In some cases there is even a refusal to take gifts given by the rejected parent (and their extended family) with them to the other (alienating) parent’s home.
2. Weak, Frivolous, and Absurd Rationalizations: alienated children will present explanations about why they are so hateful toward the rejected parent that make no sense. In an interview in 2019 at an international conference, Dr. Amy Baker shared examples of children who report that they never want to see their father again because his car smells like coffee. Other examples include children who claim that the parent and their home is HORRIBLE, but when questioned for specifics will not be able to provide any, or will simply state “There’s just so many reasons,…” Alienated children are also prone to making make accusations of things that are not true, and in the early stages of custody, if alienation has not been identified, these accusations can cause problems for the rejected parent.
3. Lack of Ambivalence About the Alienating Parent: alienated children are incapable of seeing both good and bad in both parents. This then expresses in a total loyal support for the alienator and a belief that the rejected parent is unfit, terrible and unredeemable. Normal range relationships between parents and children reflect the ability to see both positive and negative in parents.
4. The “Independent Thinker” Phenomenon: alienated children will often insist that their complaints are their own words, ideas and feelings and that no one has influenced them or made them think that way.
5. Absence of Guilt About the Treatment of the Targeted Parent: alienated children exhibit behaviors that are rude, hostile, aggressive and even cold toward the rejected parent. They are seemingly incapable of feeling remorse for their behavior, and display no feelings of guilt or shame around their actions. Alienated children are not appreciative of gifts given by the targeted parent or any act of goodwill or support and they often display behaviors of entitlement with the rejected parent.
6. Reflexive Support for the Alienating Parent in Parental Conflict: conflict is a normal occurrence within intact families, as well as healthy-range divorced couples. People disagree at times – and in normal circumstances and relationships, these disagreements can be weathered and moved through to a positive outcome. In alienated children, the reaction is always to side with the alienating parent, regardless of that parent’s position or perspective. These children offer no interest in impartiality when it comes to disparate opinions between their parents and they have zero interest in entertaining the rejected parent’s side of things.
7. Presence of Borrowed Scenarios: alienated children can often be observed making accusations about the rejected parent, but sound like the alienating parent’s words. Specific word use, phrasing and ideas that are obviously straight from the alienating parent come out of alienated children’s mouths in accusations and criticisms of the rejected parent. In these situations accusations that cannot be supported with details or facts are often slung at the rejected parent as well. In some cases we’ll see an incident from more than a decade ago that is recalled but twisted in context and used as an “example” of abuse. This might include an alienated teenager accusing their parent of threatening to kill them,… when they were 3 or 4 years old. This is obviously a borrowed scenario (and likely evidence of brainwashing by the alienating parent) when there is no history of abuse, the rejected parent and other relatives refute the charge and this is the standalone “proof” of the rejected parent being “awful“. (e.g. there are no recent or credible examples to support the accusation).
8. Rejection of Extended Family: the extreme hatred toward the rejected/targeted parent will often spread to the extended family. In addition to the parent being denigrated, despised, and hated; once-loved grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins are cut off and out of the child(ren)’s life. This is often also accompanied by a “replacement” of step-parent family members who the child(ren) will begin to call “Mom” or “Dad” and “Grandma” or “Grandpa“,…etc.

In one case this is how a grandmother knew there was a larger problem than a moody teenager. She was the first person to hold her grandchildren in the hospital (after their parents) the day they were born. Over the years, this grandmother and her grandchildren spent time together multiple days each week since the day each of them were born. It’s one thing for a teenager to cop an attitude about Mom or Dad: when Grandma begins to be called by her first name and her gifts for birthdays, holidays and otherwise are tossed aside – there’s a bigger problem that needs to be investigated.

It can be easy to get aggravated with a snotty adolescent or ingrateful child, but rejected parents and grandparents/extended family must realize that these poor kids are being brainwashed and brought into a delusion by a deeply mentally ill person: the alienating parent.

Dr, Craig Childress, whose work (among others) in parental alienation has been instrumental in bringing it out of the research stacks and into the public discourse, notes that alienating parents are not normal range parents, but suffer from a Cluster B personality disorder. This is reflected in many of his talks where he refers to the alienating parent as the “borderline/narcissistic parent“.

Dr. Childress and others speak of parental alienation as being primarily a child protection issue and NOT a child custody issue because of the great harm that the brainwashing and alienating tactics are exacting on the alienated child(ren); and this is where too many attorneys (and sometimes therapists) get it all wrong and do major damage.

From the Child Rights Foundation web page, I share the following:

“There is now scholarly consensus that severe alienation is abusive to children (Fidler and Bala, 2010), and is a largely overlooked form of child abuse (Bernet et al, 2010), as child welfare and divorce practitioners are often unaware of or minimize its extent. As reported by adult children of divorce, the tactics of alienating parents are tantamount to extreme psychological maltreatment, including spurning, terrorizing, isolating, corrupting or exploiting, and denying emotional responsiveness (Baker, 2010). For the child, parental alienation is a serious mental condition, based on a false belief that the alienated parent is dangerous and unworthy. The severe effects of parental alienation on children are well-documented—low self-esteem and self-hatred, lack of trust, depression, and substance abuse and other forms of addiction are widespread, as children lose the capacity to give and accept love from a parent. Self-hatred is particularly disturbing among affected children, as children internalize the hatred targeted toward the alienated parent, are led to believe that the alienated parent did not love or want them, and experience severe guilt related to betraying the alienated parent.”

Undermining loving parent-child relationships as child maltreatment, Child Rights Foundation

From an April 2022 post on Contemporary Pediatrics, Alan Blotcky, PhD wrote:

“Causing parental alienation in a child is on par with physical and sexual abuse. It is considered child psychological abuse and is subsumed in DSM-5 (V995.51). Parental alienation is real, definable, and toxic. In severe cases, it is so malignant that it can undermine a child’s psychological development. It is not hyperbole to say it can be catastrophic.”

Parental alienation tactics are abusive, and the after-effects experienced by the children are very often, as described by the experts, “catastrophic“. A research study from 2021 on the long-term effects of alienation on children concluded the following:

“Children exposed to parental interference and alienation show in adulthood depression and anxiety symptoms, a higher risk of psychopathology, lower self-esteem and self-sufficiency. As well as, higher alcohol and drug use rates, parental relationship difficulties, insecure attachment, lower life quality, higher divorce rates, feelings of loss, abandonment and guilt.”

The bottom line is this: parents who choose to ALIENATE their children are sentencing them to a lifetime of misery and suffering. This is criminal, and needs to be treated as such, beginning with assessing alienators as abusers and leveraging existing state laws to penalize them in accordance with the scope and severity of their crimes.

In Pennsylvania, the Child Protective Services Law (CPSL) notes that child abuse includes actions that “…intentionally, knowingly or recklessly cause or substantially contribute to serious mental injury to a child,…“.

Parental alienation, recognized in the mental health professional community as child psychological abuse (DSM-5 code V995.51) is punishable as a felony, and should be investigated with urgency and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

There is ZERO excuse for allowing this behavior to continue in any family. Actions of alienation need to be met with swift and serious consequences.

I will close this article with a portion of the tagline on this newsletter: jail the perpetrators! and then enter them into state and national databases as child abusers and elevate this issue to the level of emergent attention that it requires.

Our children’s health, well-being and FUTURES depend on it.

Summary of the 8 Manifestations of Parental Alienation

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(C) 2024 Practitioner's Path

A thread of immortality

(( shared from my other site ))

Virus shawl in progress (Furls hook, merino wool)

My time spent with yarn and hook or needles is usually contemplative. Sometimes I’m deep into the Netflix series I’m binging, while at other times, I am lost in memories and thought. As I spend more time with retirement advisors and financial analysts to plan my exit from “the grind“, I have also been thinking a lot about what we leave behind when we walk away, whether from a career, job role, or when we finally pass through the veil to whatever it is that awaits us on the other side.

The thing about stitching and thinking is that the “threads” of connection in life seem to become more clear. I liken this to the benefit of a clear mind due to meditation, and research studies have compared crocheting and knitting to meditation, so it makes sense. Lately in these quiet times I have been thinking about my grandmother.

Later this year we will mark her 25th Yahrzeit (anniversary of her passing). A lot has happened since she left us. My sister had her first child, my children (her great-grandchildren, whom she knew and loved) are adults with kids of their own, and her “girls” have gray hair and are caring for their elderly parents (including her son, who has now outlived his mother by several years).

Just last week, my sister and I were with our parents and we commented that while grandma had been gone for some time, we all still strongly feel her presence.

In my travels through various religious and spiritual traditions, I have come to believe that our loved ones are indeed closer than many of us have been taught. We may see or feel “evidence” of this. or simply hold their memories close in our hearts. I am not suggesting that there is a “right” or “wrong” belief here on either side – just noting that many of us experience this connection with departed family members differently and from various perspectives.

As I pondered these things recently, I realized that one reason my grandmother is still so present for our family is that her handmade items fill our homes. I wrote before about the afghan she made for me before I left home to join the US Navy. My sister also got one when she graduated high school. Our parents’ home is filled with crocheted doilies, afghans and (sewn) quilts that my grandmother’s MOTHER (and mother-in-law) made and that have kept people we love warm now for almost 100 years.

For me, this connection goes one step further as I took the crocheted chain that grandma taught me one Summer when I was about 10 years old, and built on it. While I will not win any awards for being a master crocheter or knitter, it’s not for lack of practice!

Like most fiber fanatics, I always have multiple projects in progress. For example, as I finish up the virus shawl in merino wool (pictured above), I am also knitting a wrap, crocheting chickens, and I just started another wrap (different pattern) with yarn I purchased when I was in New Orleans last year. I am also continuing to support my oldest granddaughter’s crochet journey and delighting in her unique take on the art and practice of creating with yarn. In my own crocheted and knitted creations, and ESPECIALLY in the passing on of the craft to my Ella, I am continuing the connection with grandma and extending it to the next generations. In a way, I have continued that crocheted chain that grandma started and handed off to me. It has connected generations from the past, and as I have continued to crochet (& knit), I have maintained it and am passing it on into the future in our family.

(I think there’s another blog post in that statement about a long, continuous crochet chain,… stay tuned!)

Someday my children and grandchildren will be remembering me, instead of texting me. It’s likely that they’ll have at least a piece or two that I have crocheted or knitted in their homes, and I’d like to think that those tangible reminders of love and deep caring will bring them comfort and maybe even a smile at times (my son will be the one that reminds all the wistful folks of what a pain in the backside cleaning out all my yarn, fabric and craft supplies was; it’s his way of not succumbing to sentimentality).

I don’t know how far my granddaughter will take her love of crocheting. I suspect that it will always be something she enjoys, as she has recently ALSO started learning how to sew. I bought her a new Singer sewing machine (Singer’s Tradition), and her zeal and delight with both crocheting and sewing tell me that she’ll not wander far from those skills, no matter where life takes her.

Ella’s first Sewing Project (tote bag)

Given all I’ve read about the supportive/restorative aspects of crocheting and knitting, this gives me a great deal of comfort, peace and JOY! I also suspect that she’ll continue that multi-generational tradition of making things for people she loves, and gifting crocheted (I won’t be surprised if she picks up knitting, too!) and sewn items to the special people in her life.

In this way, a quiet family tradition will continue for generations to come, and who can tell what good may come from it? At this point in my life, I know that my grandmother crocheted for more reasons than to give gifts. As a widow at 62 and a cancer survivor, she had a lot of trials and tribulations to overcome at a point in life where many of us assume our challenges will begin to ease. I know that crocheting was a refuge to her, even if she never acknowledged or admitted it to anyone (people didn’t talk about those things back then). I also know that the seed of comfort my grandmother got from her yarn and hooks now also belongs to my granddaughter, and so a legacy of creativity, resilience, and self-care has been passed on.

Several years ago I attended a funeral for an extended family member’s parent. As I perused the posters of photos, I was struck with 2 distinct thoughts: 1) few of us truly understand how short this walk on earth is, and 2) the things we think are IMPORTANT in life, aren’t.

Job titles, big houses, salaries/money, status. connections (political, not family) and power all go POOF! when we die. Our loved ones are the only people who care enough about us to give any thought to who we were and what we did in life, and their most cherished memories are not going to center on any of those things. If we are lucky, we’ll be remembered for the love we shared, the care we provided and the good we brought into their lives.

For those of us that crochet, knit or sew and give generously to others of our creations, a little piece of our hearts will live on with each person that has our work. AND, for those that have chosen to take up one of these creative pursuits, the embrace of the ancestors will be present in every stitch.

(C) 2024 Practitioner’s Path/Stitch ‘n Dish

The 5-Factor Model

In previous posts I have shared about parental alienation, an occasional reader has questioned whether or not it is a real issue. They ask whether it might actually be something that parents can (falsely) claim and use as a manipulation.

The best answer I can give to these questions is to share what I have found.

When I began to explore some disturbing behaviors in a family member, I went digging to find out what was going on. Before the attorneys involved at that time or the courts and even the (original) court-appointed therapist acknowledged this as an issue; I began to suspect that we were dealing with a case of parental alienation. In my desperate attempt to understand what was going on, I discovered the work of many professionals in the area of child psychology and will be sharing their expertise and the (peer-reviewed) research that supports their work.

Today I want to share the 5-factor model, which began as the 4-factor model but was updated to include a 5th factor.

William Bernet, M.D. wrote that “The Five-Factor Model (FFM) is a method for diagnosing parental alienation by understanding and identifying the components of this mental condition.” (The Five-Factor Model for the Diagnosis of Parental Alienation)

What is the 5-factor model?

It is a checklist, derived from decades of research, that is used by professionals to assist them in determining if parental alienation is the reason for the behaviors in a child. This is usually needed in cases where there has been a high-conflict divorce or separation and there are accusations about one parent by the child and the other parent.

The 5-factor model in brief:

1. Child(ren) are resisting contact with one parent (preferring the other one).
2. There was a prior POSITIVE relationship between child(ren) and the rejected parent.
3. There is no history of abuse or neglect by rejected parent.
4. The “preferred” parent (the one who is doing the alienating) is engaging in alienating behaviors (there’s a checklist of 17 behaviors – we’ll cover these in my next article).
5. The child(ren) are exhibiting the 8 behaviors of an alienated child (also a checklist available – look for this in a future article as well)

Let’s explore some of the hallmarks of the contact resistance first. This can, as Dr. Amy Baker discusses in a number of interviews, present in ways beyond throwing fits about seeing the targeted/rejected parent. It can emerge as the child(ren) bringing their own food and/or drinks when on visitation, refusing to accept or ingest anything at the rejected parent’s home. It can present as the child telling authorities (attorneys, therapists, others) that they “never want to see their (other) parent again” and worse.

Poorly-informed professionals (attorneys and/or therapists) will immediately pivot to “what did that parent do to the child(ren)?!?” – but that question shows their deep ignorance on a number of levels.

Research has demonstrated that even ABUSED children still want a relationship with their parents. When a child vehemently insists that they “never want to see their (other parent) again” it’s a BIG RED FLAG that the child is being emotionally and psychologically abused, and that parental alienation is likely taking place.

Many alienated children will also claim to these same professionals that they “never had a close relationship” with the targeted parent. When presented with photo and video evidence as well as reminded of past experiences they will steadfastly claim that they were just playing along and were actually miserable, that the pictures don’t reflect what was really going on or that other people’s memories are wrong.

The history of abuse and/or neglect is fairly easy to identify for the trained therapist, as hints of poor parenting behaviors can be determined after a few sessions. The obvious place for proof is in records of law enforcement or child services involvement. In the case of parental alienation, these will very often not exist. Sometimes the alienator who is aware of the hallmarks of alienation – OR who has an unscrupulous attorney who is putting a “win” in their column over the welfare of a minor child – will try and come up with examples of neglect or abuse.

In extreme cases of desperation, these “examples” are often singular and regurgitated from an incident that took place many years (sometimes more than a decade) ago. The alienator then represents these “examples” out of context and with a dramatic flair. Thankfully, informed therapists and family court professionals can spot these fake accusations. In addition, the rejected parent who is accused of such nonsense often has bountiful proof that this is just a pathetic attempt to prove something that is not true.

Alienating a child from their parent is child abuse, and it can be charged as a felony in every state, depending on the circumstances.

From FindLaw: “Pennsylvania child abuse laws, … fall under the criminal or penal code. The crime is broadly defined to include any type of cruelty inflicted on a child, such as mental abuse, physical abuse, sexual assault or exploitation, and neglect.”

The courts and the mental health care community are finally catching on to this heinous form of child abuse, and taking action. Prevention is the best option, but for those families already caught up in this terrible web of pain and abuse; the remediations available through the justice system are in place to help right the wrongs perpetrated against our children by individuals who are, according to mental health experts like Craig Childress, Psy.D, mentally ill. (NOTE: it’s not “both parents” when you have a narcissistic or borderline parent in the mix. There’s ONE parent who is the problem).

For a detailed presentation on the psychopathology of alienating parents, check out Dr. Childress’ ~2-hour presentation on parental alienation as an attachment-based model (it’s from 2014 but spot on).

Until next time,…here’s a clip from an episode of 48 Hours (< 3 minutes) that is an important report on this troubling issue.

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(C) 2024 Practitioner's Path